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*APRIL FOOLS* Capital Water urged to clear debt with £200 million find of Roman coins

Europe’s largest water utility Capital Water, threatened with imminent financial collapse and a taxpayer bailout, has revealed a startling find of rare Roman coins worth more than £200 million. Campaigners have urged the sewage and water behemoth to use the treasure to pay a whopping debt about to be called in by creditors, but our nation’s biggest polluter has different plans.

The hoard of hundreds of Roman gold coins dating from 293AD depicting the Emperor Allectus were discovered during the construction of a long-delayed upgrade to a sewage treatment plant. For weeks, broken pipes spewed raw sewage down renowned ‘Smelly Ally’ in the town and local river. Only after loud calls to clean up the mess from angered community activists did Capital Water fix the problem, and strike gold.

James Wallace, CEO of River Action and former archaeologist said, “The last Allectus coin sold for over £500,000 so Capital Water will be literally minted by this discovery. Allectus, the infamous ‘Brexit Emperor’ tried to take Britannia out of the Roman empire only to perish in battle three years later. Let’s hope Capital Water’s leadership team avoids a similar fate, by serving the customers they have rinsed for decades and restoring the rivers they have trashed. Based on past track record, the question on everyone’s lips is “will they pay off their debts or run for their Cayman Islands tax haven?”  

CEO of Capital Water Sir Richard Head who was appointed in January 2024 – the company’s third CEO in as many years and reputed acolyte of Neptune the water god, said, “Apart from inventing hygienic sewage and water systems, what did the Romans ever do for us? Now my daily sacrifice of bill payers on the altar of financial engineering has finally paid off. As I’ve reported to our high priests – international shareholders – it just goes to show that pollution profits. Our balance sheet is leakier than our creaking infrastructure, so the unexpected windfall is a total bonus, for me personally.”

It is believed Capital Water are tossing up between donating part of the coin hoard to the British Museum or building a ‘shiny new HQ with gold taps’ (subject to planning ‘favours’). A Government source suggested they give some of the wedge to the much beleaguered Department for Underperforming Miss-managed Public Services (DUMPS)

because HM Treasury can’t afford to give billionaire tax breaks and be expected to regulate polluters.

Chalkstream Herald gave river campaigner Feargal Sharkey the final words, “Capital Water is one flush away from disappearing down its own dirty drain. Sir Dick is off his rocker thinking he can do a runner with our national treasure. But aided and abetted by the Department for DUMPS, he’ll probably dodge the floaters.”