BREAKING: Water companies report ‘self-cleaning water’, as rivers fight back
In an unexpected turn of events, water companies have announced a groundbreaking discovery: self-cleaning water. After decades of grappling with relentless pollution, rivers have decided to take matters into their own currents.
“For years, we’ve been working tirelessly to—well, mostly explain why we can’t stop sewage spills,” said Dr. Flo Waters, Thames Slaughter Chief Innovation Officer. “But now, something unbelievable is happening: our rivers are retaliating.”
Thames strikes back: sewage returned to offender
Londoners have reported bizarre incidents along the Thames, where sewage is refusing to stay put. “My tap water turned brown mid-sip,” gasped one unfortunate water bill payer. “I don’t even live near the river.”
Other reports include showers mysteriously shutting off when users fail to recycle, toilets flushing in reverse, and entire streets of luxury flats experiencing “unexpected indoor rain”.
“Honestly, it’s great the rivers are fighting back,” added Waters. “Because, despite our company being Europe’s largest water utility, we’re completely skint. Sure, the regulator just approved massive bill hikes, and the High Court agreed to our £3bn emergency loan but weirdly, that money never seems to reach the ‘fixing things’ department.”
River Severn & Wye snap: The great chicken manure rebellion
Meanwhile, in rural areas, rivers like the Severn and Wye are rising up against industrial-scale chicken farms. Reports suggest massive waves of nutrient-rich sludge have been flinging themselves back onto farmland. “I woke up, and the fields around our chicken factory were mysteriously re-fertilised overnight—whether I wanted it or not,” grumbled a chicken factory manager
Eyewitnesses in the Wye Valley claim that thousands of litres of suspiciously murky water have been seen creeping upstream, seemingly trying to return to the vast chicken barns housing millions of birds that produced the mess in the first place. “It’s like the river finally snapped,” one environmentalist noted. “I saw a duck give a man the side-eye for even looking at the water funny.”
Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, chef and long-time campaigner for cleaner rivers, commented:
“For years, we’ve been warning that dumping endless tonnes of chicken muck into rivers would have consequences. But did anyone listen? No. And now, the Wye has gone full exorcist, projectile vomiting waste right back where it came from. If the Government won’t hold these companies accountable, at least the rivers are showing some self-respect.”
Campaigners rejoice: “Finally, nature is doing our job”
Environmental activists, long frustrated by Government inaction are breathing a sigh of relief. “For decades we have begged politicians to crack down on pollution but they are simply obsessed with growth at all costs and refuse to take real action to return our rivers to health,” said activist Angela J Trout. “But now? The rivers are handling it themselves. The Thames is rejecting sewage, the Wye is returning chicken muck to sender, and frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Mersey starts sending legal threats to water companies.”
With rivers across the country tackling the issue, campaigners say they finally have hope. “It’s a win-win,” Trout continued. “The environment gets cleaner, and we don’t have to sit through another meaningless consultation on ‘sustainable economic growth’ while sewage floods our rivers.”
Authorities baffled—citizens warned to treat rivers with respect
Thames Slaughter, Untreated Utilities and other water companies remain deeply confused with executives at Untreated Utilities reportedly considering whether to charge customers extra for rivers with ‘self-cleaning’ properties.
In the meantime, citizens are advised to be nice to their local waterways—or risk their taps running backwards, their farmland fighting back, or, worst of all, a personal visit from an extremely angry trout.
The Secretary of State was unavailable for comment today after being ruthlessly ambushed by a rare gang of wild salmon. Eyewitness Jim Murray (The Crown, Masters of the Air) described the attack: “They were just strolling to a North London dinner party, blissfully ignoring the state of our rivers, when suddenly—bam!—the salmon leapt at them. I fear the Minister’s suit is beyond salvation.”
How thrilling that the High Court has given Thames Slaughter the green light to slap an extra £3 billion onto Londoners’ water bills—just to service their debt! It’s only fitting that Old Father Thames has finally taken a seat at the table, right beside Thames Slaughter CEO Chris Easton at the Fleecin’ Customers Casino. After all, as Chris himself mused in that BBC doc to justify his pipe-busting salary: “Cream and shit always rise to the top.”
